Jul 22, 2021

DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #13 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part III

What's up, Special Ed?

The DYM Editorial Department is still busy watching Space Jam and eating mushrooms all this week so they called me in to help out with DYM OS 21-13. Just so happens I got a ton of shit to talk about this week:

The DYM Olympics Preview
A little Cum Jesus vignette
Our top 5 favorite Biz Markie videos

AND

The NFC North tarot card preview featuring MISS CLEO (skip to the Cleo video here.)!!!!!

So.. You guys watch that *game the other night?

No? Me neither. I can't stand the Bucks. Fuckin' asterisk season like a motherfucker anyway. Obviously The Nets are odds-on favorites for the 2021 chip.

whatever...

NBA Season is finally over, so now we can get on to some REAL Basketball - The Olympics!!!! That's right, The Olympics is the REALEST basketball tournament in the world which of course means I am REALLY not playing in it.

KD loves the Olympics too so he's all in. He's a lot more competitive than I am, but even Kev said fuck NBA Season this year. Gotta stay focused on that GOLD. KD's gonna play more games this summer than he did in the whole calendar year 2020.

For real tho, this shit really means a lot to Kev 'cause after Melo got his third Gold Medal in 2016 a lotta people wrote off-season think-pieces about how he's the "Best International Basketball Player Ever". Melo has not shut up about it since and it's drivin' Kev NUTS, HA!!

Obviously Coach Pop gave me a call. But I said "HAIL NAW!"

I'm on vacation with beautiful fuckin' celebrities and entertainers and shit.

And, as DefendYourMoves.com's Chief Political Correspondent, I got some important shit to do around here this week. Pop understood, of course.

DYM Readers know that the Olympic Games is not simply an athletic competition - it's also the definitive referendum on the current US presidential administration.

Team USA is averaging about 45 Gold Medals per Summer Games over the last 100 years. So, as a general rule, if we bring home 45 or more Gold Medals then we vote for the incumbent President; If we get less than 45 then, obviously, it’s time for a change so we vote for the new guy. There is one contingency, which fortunately hasn't come into play yet in DYM's 20 year voting career: If the Team USA Men's Basketball team does NOT get the Gold, we'll vote for the challenger regardless of the other sports.

So the 2020 election was over before it started. Trump won zero (0) gold medals between January 2017 and January 2021. Now Biden will most likely get to double-dip, so he could end up as the most decorated Olympic President of all time: It's conceivable that Biden could beat Obama's tally (92 Golds) in just one term. With a second term, and all the new "prospective sports" in Tokyo and Paris, Joe has a real shot at Regan's all-time record of 119 Golds.

But there are a couple potential pitfalls for old Sleepy Joe:

First, he will have to win 45 Golds this summer.

He won't be able to coast until the Paris Games since Trump supporters have contended all along that the Biden Presidency is illegitimate due to the Olympics being cancelled last year. The My Pillow guy says Trump is planning to return to the White House on August 13. That's the Friday after the Olympics ends. We figure he's gotta allow a few extra days to confirm the Medal Counts.

Then, he'll have to take home TWO consecutive Men's Basketball Golds.

Normally we'd say that's not too big a concern, but seein' as how there's only 8 guys on the USA Men's 5x5 Basketball team at the moment, it's looking somewhat dicey. I mean, best case, Biden is gonna need Kev to keep his shoes tied for at least 30 games between now and 2024. And even if KD and Draymond do bring home the Gold this summer, there's still probably gonna be at least two Ball brothers on the Paris Team. Popovich ain't stickin around for that shit.

Zach LaVine tested positive for COVID last week, but he might be back when/if the Suns and Bucks guys make the trip.

Bradley Beal supposedly caught a positive cootie test too but he's just not on the roster. That's just addition by subtraction, tho'. My theory is he really got one of those "inconclusive" tests but they needed an excuse to cut him anyway so they were like "Eeehh, sorry, Brad. Rules are rules".

This roster problem coulda easily been avoided, tho. The COVID shit was to be expected, and it's fine. But we're pretty disappointed in Colangenlo and 'em for letting three of their guys play in the Finals. Everybody knows the NBA Playoffs are supposed to be fixed, and they had this National Team roster set like a year ago. I mean, everybody loved the Hawks, we don't really need them. Or they coulda let LeBron win again, he wasn't goin' to Tokyo anyway. Lotta options, it's not that hard.

Good news is there's some real stalwarts on this squad, like KD and Dray, who never took the easy way out of anything. They crave a challenge...

HA!!!

For real tho, just bet Dame points overs every game, win or lose there's gonna be a ton of Dame Time.

The Games are just gettin' underway right now. We're checkin' out some Women's Soccer and Softball prelims. The real sports like Kayak Racing, Fencing, Badminton, Judo, and Basketball start on Saturday. Break Dancing, unfortunately, will not become an Olympic Sport until 2024 but we were very pleased to learn that Surfing, Skateboarding, Rock Climbing, 3x3 Hoops, and "Baseball/Softball" ARE Olympic sports this year. They join other weirdo sports like Rhythmic Gymnastics and Trampoline that we set up to give the USA a little extra boost in the Medal count.

In my opinion, given how high the stakes are in these 2020/1 Games, it might be for the best that Break Dancing didn't make it - These Korean B-Boys are fuckin' fire.

Yall aint even know bout that shit.

A QUICK CJ VIGNETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since we haven't dropped any of these jewels on y'all in a while, we got a quick Cum Jesus vignette for you guys before we call up the psychic hotline for the NFC North Tarot Preview.

In the original Cum Jesus introduction we mentioned that people can talk to animals in The Utopia, so we wanted to have some little stories about his childhood that could kinda lay the groundwork for that and also explain how CJ invented Mutton Bustin', which'll also be important later.

CJ is born 7bs 3oz. and 19” long. But despite his size he was not born a baby.

He could stand, walk, and talk within his first day in Joseph’s care.

By the eighth day he had begun to grow a beard.

Within a fortnight he could reliably convey his thoughts in full sentences. At first, those thoughts ranged from esoteric to indecipherable, because he had as much knowledge of the world as any other 14-day-old baby.

Still, that low-level capability made life infinitely easier for he and Joseph over the first two and a half years or so. But when CJ began to test his boundaries, as all children are wont to do, that capability made life infinitely more difficult.

After his third birthday, CJ spent three weeks living in a large cedar tree.

One day, when a storm was coming in, Joseph begged CJ to come back in the house. CJ replied that he had to protect the animals in the tree from the storm, and he would only come back if he could bring all the animals in with him. Joseph agreed so CJ climbed down from the tree followed by 4 squirrels, 3 thrushes, 2 porcupines, and a jungle cat. CJ marched across the field and the animals formed a line behind him, single file, and followed him right through the door. The animals stayed in the house and did CJ's bidding until the following spring, 7 months later.

At age four, CJs favorite sport was creeping into the fields and leading one just one sheep away from the flock. He had built a tiny saddle to fit the size of a sheep and a three-and-a-half foot man.

He'd mount the sheep and ride it for as long as he could, counting the seconds out loud like Giannis was taking a freethrow. Most times the sheep would tire of running after about 5-10 minutes, at which point CJ’d just shout out her time and head back to the flock and pluck off another mount.

He would continue this little game for several hours on end, weather permitting. Over time a group of local shepherds and their children began to gather on the hillside to watch him play. CJ loved the attention so he'd proudly announce each sheep's time and run up to the hill for a round of high-fives anytime a ewe broke her own personal record.

Then, in the Utopia, rodeos and state fairs are all gonna be run by feminists and communists since those cats are all organic farmers and there's like millions of 'em. The State Fair could be like a hotbed for progressive politics and philosophical dialogue in general. But the best part is the bible-thumpers fuckin' HAAATTTTE Mutton Bustin'.

AFC NORTH TAROT CARD PREVIEW!!!

featuring: MISS CLEO!!!

Cleo selected 15 AFC North players for the 2021 Fantasy Football Tarot Deck (the most of any division). Since we're already over 1,600 words this week (and we still got a lotta Olympics and mushrooms to get through), we just called up the Psychic Hotline to let Cleo break down this powerhouse division herself.

Let's. Go.